Friday, July 17, 2015

A Total Demonic Post

I was raised to believe that everything was demonic. Sort of.
With a Catholic mother, guilt and sin and repentance and all that wonderful Catholic stuff was ingrained in me.
My father, however, was a different story.
He’s religious too, but in a different sense to the usual view of ‘religion.’ He does identify himself as a Christian, in the sense that he believes in the monotheistic Christian God, Christ is our savior, Satan is all evil, reads the Holy Bible- that sort of thing. But he doesn’t practice the belief as other Christians do.
After my parents got divorced and were remarried a year later to their current spouses, my father began going to my step mom’s church. But it wasn’t really a church, at least not in the traditional sense. It first began in someone’s house, specifically my step uncle’s house where they’d gather to hear the message of the Lord preached by my step great uncle. They eventually rented a room in the Senior Center near Santa Rosa Ave. Most of the people there were related. The people who were not were introduced to it by one of the family members. As you can guess, it wasn’t a very huge crowd. But every Saturday morning- yes, Saturday not Sunday- everyone would gather in this room to hear the word of the Lord. As a kid during the time, I would go into another room with all the other kids where we’d usually color pictures of ourselves holding hands with Jesus. We were brilliant artists, to say the least. It was all quite normal with only a few differences. My father became stricter but he was strict as is, with or without religion. But I could tell as a child there was something different about this church than any other churches I’ve seen or gone to, especially when comparing it to the Catholic Cathedrals I would go to with my mom. When we all prayed at the end of the message, many of the adults would cry full heartedly and some would speak in tongues. But I’d take that any day than the constant sitting and standing up  shenanery that goes on during Catholic mass.
It all drastically changed when my father told us he was moving to Colorado. The reason being that God told him to. My brother and I were eight and ten years old and mostly living with my mother at the time. My father wanted us to move with him along with our step mom and step sister but he lost the case during court. We had been to Colorado before to go to a church that was connected to ours in California. The pastor, or rather the prophet as they call it, there is the leader, for lack of a better word. He began the church in California and Colorado and later went to Argentina to begin one there. There’s a couple across the globe in which he is all connected to. Their belief is based on an Apostolic foundation where they are essentially preparing for the End Times. Their belief is a bit extreme and abnormal. I’m not trying indicate if it’s right or wrong, but it’s definitely different. The message begins with people openly talking about some of things they struggle with in life that, to their belief, is demonic. Sometimes it can be very personal. Everyone knows a lot about each other which makes them very close and feel like family rather than people you see once a week. I’ve known these people now for ten years and I do consider them like family.
The parts where I struggle with the most is their view of how everything is pretty much demonic and therefore should be restricted from one’s own life. I’ve had countless of books taken away from me because of this belief, I’ve had clothes and jewelry that had certain symbols thrown away because of this belief, so on and so forth. With my dad, dressing “modestly” was always the biggest struggle, especially in recent years. My dress, shorts, skirts all have to be an appropriate length, wearing black nail polish or too much of black clothing was looked down upon etc… Luckily, I’m 18 years old now and my father doesn’t have too much say when it comes to what I wear especially since I only see him once a year. But for my step sister, I see all the rules she must live by. For example, the church doesn’t allow any girls under 18 to wear a two piece swimsuit. And there’s plenty more of other rules or guidelines these children and even the adults must live by. Excuse me, not must, since they believe we all have the freedom to choose- but not without consequence if you choose incorrectly. 
  So it’s interesting, almost humorous, for someone like me who was brought up with this view of everything being demonic and constantly hearing about Satan’s evil influence in our daily lives, to be taking a class about the history of Satan. I’m sure to them choosing to take such a course is demonic itself, because it makes you think and where there is thought, there is doubt and the ability for Satan to easily trick you with that awful thing called logic and a brain that God gave to us.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Applied Religion

She stared out the car, speculating how the glowing sunlight hit the green leaves of the sturdy oak tree in front of her.
She was trying. Trying to concentrate on anything else than her mother's voice.

"You need to repent and ask for forgiveness," her mother said. 
"I don't believe what you believe-" 
"It doesn't matter if you or I believe. It is His words. His commandments. And when you go against the laws He has given us, you're going against God." 
"As if I'm the only one who has broken His commandments. Didn't you have sex before marriage? And my father and Mike and like every adult I know." 
"Yes but I married both of them and-"
"And that turned out great for you and my dad," she rolled her eyes. 
"Maybe it wasn't the best decision, but there was commitment. There isn't any true commitment in casual sex. It's just pleasure based." 

Her brown almond shaped eyes quickly darkened and narrowed as she looked at her mother's face. 

"And you think I'm just having casual sex? He's my boyfriend. If I wanted to just have casual sex, he wouldn't be my boyfriend. We wouldn't be in a committed relationship."
"Yes but-"
"But we're not married. You're right. As we shouldn't be. But it doesn't take away the commitment part. Sex is one of the most intimate things you can have with another human being."
"You don't think I know that?"
"I know you do, so why don't you understand that not every time it's all about pleasure." 
"You haven't known him long enough."
"You married Mike after a year of knowing each other. Your relationship isn't exactly ideal," she said.
"Only cause we've made mistakes, but it doesn't mean it's okay for you to. And only because you've already have had sex, it doesn't mean that you're just free to sin all you want."
"Except I am. That's my choice. And why should any of us be ashamed of doing what we were built to do. What God built us to do?"

Her mother fell into silence. A minute passed until she spoke again. 

"It is Satan's job to deceive us and turn our backs away from God. Sometimes he makes us think lust is love." 
"I know the difference between the two." 
"Maybe. I just want you to be careful and eventually ask for forgiveness."

She slightly opened her mouth, ready to argue her mother but the lump in her throat cut her off. She clenched her jaw and tried to restrain her eyes from watering. She wasn't hurt by her mother's words, but rather frustrated by them. Frustrated that she had to abide by her mother's beliefs due to financial circumstances. 

She yearned for the day she could brush off her mother's beliefs and values, where it'd only be a conversation between two adults rather than something she had to live by. 

But perhaps that day will never come. 

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Chicken Nuggets, Religion and a Teen Suicide

1. EXT.BURGER KING DRIVE-THROUGH-NIGHT

Three girls sit in a tan Ford Explorer with their heads turned slightly left to read the brightly lit fast-food menu. 

2. INT. CAYLEE'S CAR- NIGHT

The passenger, CATHERINE, leans close to the driver CAYLEE.


CATHERINE
Look! They have the chicken fingers again. 

CAYLEE
Yeah, I know.

Catherine looks at the price of the chicken fingers. 

CATHERINE
Kinda expensive for so little.

CAYLEE
Are you getting something?

Catherine
Nah, I'm not that hungry.

Caylee leans out the window to order. 

CAYLEE
Um I'll get an order of chicken
 nuggets from the value menu.

INTERCOM PERSON
Will that be-

JULIA, sitting behind Caylee, quickly interrupts.  

JUlIA
Can I get some water?

CATHERINE
Oh, me too.

CAYLEE (cont.'d)
Actually I'll get two orders of chicken 
nuggets and three cups of water.

INTERCOM PERSON
Okay. Two orders of chicken nuggets 
and three waters. That'll be $2.98.
Pay at the next window. 

CAYLEE
Alright.

Caylee drives up to the next window to pay. 

CAYLEE
(to Catherine and Julia)
So I recently found out that 
someone I knew just died.

Catherine and Julia raise their eyebrows but remain silent. 

CAYLEE (cont.'d)
His mom posted a status on Facebook 
about praying for her son or something. 
Someone commented, asking what 
was going on. She replied that 
her son had committed suicide.

JULIA
That's crazy.

Caylee pauses then drives up to the next window for the food. 

BURGER KING EMPLOYEE 
Here's your chicken nuggets and waters.

He hands the food to Caylee. Caylee passes it to Catherine. 

CAYLEE
Thanks.


Caylee drives out the lot and into the city streets. 

CAYLEE (cont.'d)
I went to elementary school with him.
It was like a small Christian school,
 so there were only like...nine of us 
in the class. His mom was our teacher.
I liked him. He was so weird and funny. 
My brother was actually really 
good friends with him.

Catherine frowns as she looks at Caylee's solemn face. 

CATHERINE
I'm sorry, Caylee.

CAYLEE
No, it's not like that. 
Like I'm not really sad about it.
It was such a long time ago 
since I've seen him, ya know. 
I mean I feel bad for what his
family is going through, but
the whole thing has just 
made me like...think-

CATHERINE
It's made you reflect certain things.

CAYLEE
Yeah, exactly...It's just I clearly 
remember his mom always saying to us how
committing suicide was like the worst sin ever.
 And if you do it, you'll go straight to hell. 


Caylee reaches in the Burger King bag next to Catherine and pulls out some chicken nuggets.

CAYLEE (cont.'d)
I just don't get it.
He was so outgoing and happy. I mean I know
that was years ago, but how bad could 
it have been for him to do that?
Especially being raised super Christian
and believing those things.


She pauses to chew on her food. 

CATHERINE
He probably had severe depression. 

CAYLEE
Yeah, but you guys know how I have depression. 
I've been diagnosed with bipolar depression, but still-

JULIA
I didn't know that. 

Caylee slightly turns her head back to Julia.

CAYLEE
Yeah, my dad has it too.

CATHERINE
Yeah it tends to be genetic. 

CAYLEE
 So, ya know, I've had some really bad days. 
Days where I've had like really 
depressive thoughts to the point 
where I thought about like... killing myself.
But they were always just thoughts. 
I could never really do it'cause the 
thought of how it'd affect my family 
if I did...I just couldn't do that to them.
It'd be selfish of me. 

CAYLEE (cont.'d)
But what really stopped me was the idea of hell.
That if I committed suicide, I'd be damned to hell.
I'd eternally burn in the lake of fire. Like forever.
I mean we can't even truly understand 
what eternity would feel or look like
 'cause it's that fuckin' long.  

JULIA
I don't believe in hell. 
My mom didn't raise us to believe
 in really anything. Heaven or hell. 

CAYLEE
I don't know if I do either, but I was raised to believe that...
I go back and forth with it.

CATHERINE
I do, too.

JULIA
Well if hell is real, then I'm screwed. I drink, I've had sex before marriage, I-

CATHERINE
It's not about if you sin. It's whether you believe in Jesus Christ as your savior or not. Like even if you lived your entire life as a nonbeliever, but accept him as your savior in the last seconds of your life, you're good. That's what I was taught. 

CATHERINE (cont.'d)
Of course you have to ask for forgiveness for all your sins. Including things like lying or any lustful thought you've ever had. At least that's what the Catholics believe. 

JULIA
So we're all screwed then.


Julia chuckles.

CATHERINE
Yup, pretty much. 

JULIA
That's my problem with religion. Like we were built to have sex and lustful thoughts. It's human fuckin' nature. But instead we're suppose to abstain from it and feel bad if we do? Like even the Buddhists- they're all about reaching a state in which you no longer desire anything anymore...that's what they believe in right? 


Julia looks at Catherine. Catherine shrugs. 

JULIA (cont.'d)
And that's bullshit. I mean I'm all for trying to have peace within ourselves and in our minds but no desire? To desire is to have ambition, drive and motivation in our lives. What's wrong with that? I don't know...It's bullshit. All of it.

CATHERINE
I get what you're saying. But I wouldn't want to live in a world where everyone acted out their lustful thoughts or desires 'cause there's some fucked up people out there. I see why religion is needed in our world.


They all paused, consumed in their own thoughts.

JULIA
Alright, I gotta get going. I have work early tomorrow morning. 

CAYLEE
Okay, I'll drop you off. 

CATHERINE
Yeah, it's getting pretty late. I need to be home, too. 

Caylee nods. 

3. INT. CAYLEE'S CAR PARKED IN FRONT CATHERINE'S HOUSE- LATE AT NIGHT

CAYLEE
I don't know what scares me most- hell or the belief that it's just nothing after we die. Just an eternity of blankness. I mean I hope hell isn't real, honestly. But at the same time, I don't really see the point of all of this if there isn't like a heaven or something after we die. What's the point of being a good person? Why not just say 'fuck it, I'll do what I want'?

CATHERINE
I don't know. My friend John explained it this way: after we die, we are no longer conscious. Like how we were before we were born. But when he said that, I just thought 'the difference is I've lived a life now.' Ya know? There's meaning to it now. Before I was born, I was blissfully ignorant of it all. I didn't know what I was missing out on.  But when I'm on the verge of death, all I'll think about is the life I've lived. 

CAYLEE
Do you think he saw his life flash before his eyes before he died?

CATHERINE
Who? Your friend?

CAYLEE
Yeah.


Catherine contemplates her next words.

CATHERINE
I don't know, Caylee. 

Catherine looks at her friend with empathy, feeling as lost as her.  



  









Monday, June 22, 2015

Good vs Evil

 At a very young age I was taught about satan: the fallen angel, the prince of demons, all that is evil and unholy, etc... I was told the story of satan as once being an angel of God named Lucifer who was part of God's divine council. He later became envious of God's power, believing he could be better than Him. He was thus exiled from the heavens for thinking in such ways and became a fallen angel, according to the story. 
And at a very young age, when being told this, I questioned certain aspects of the story. How can emotions such as envy or jealousy exist in a place like heaven that is suppose to represent everything holy, pure and good? Why didn't God just forgive Lucifer, as his son Jesus teaches us to do with one another everyday? And did God create 'evil' if he is the creator of all things? 
Yet after so many years, these questions go unanswered. And I'm not sure if anyone or anything will ever truly have the answers to them. 
But when learning about the origins or 'birth' of satan, the concepts and where they derive from become a lot more clearer. 
It's always been clear that most cultures and religious beliefs contain an entity that represents, or is, 'evil' and darkness. In the Hebrew bible, the Torah, satan was first written as 'the satan' as a description of an evil action rather than a personified being. Later, we see 'the satan' meaning 'the accuser' in which he is an angel serving God that essentially does the dirty work. It is truly until the New Testament that we see satan as God's archenemy. 
But if God is the most powerful being, can he really have an archenemy or an equal opponent even? If he created satan then isn't satan always inferior to God? I've always been told that satan is indeed less powerful than God, yet they're always contrasted with each other as equals. 
I've always saw the need for evil in the world, as horrible as that may sound. To me, I believe that you can't appreciate the beauty and light of the world without experiencing the darkness and pain at times. And if our lives consisted of only goodness, than it'd become the norm of our world and the idea of 'free will,' in which God supposedly gave to us human beings, cease to exist. 
I do believe that there is good in the world as much as there is bad. I've seen it. I've experienced it. But I don't believe in bad or good people. I think we do good things and sometimes we fuck up and do bad things. And some people fuck up more than others, but no one is entirely evil or entirely pure. But it's so much easier to qualify people underneath a certain category rather than viewing us as complex beings with multiple factors that cause us to do what we do and be the way we are. 
So if satan is simply the accuser, he can only accuse us if we do something bad which is entirely our choice under the belief of free will. He isn't evil himself as much as I don't think God is ALL that good if he feels emotions such as jealousy and anger. 
Obviously I don't have the answers or even a conclusion to all this. I'm simply putting my thoughts and reflections of all this in a blog post. I'm sure I've contradicted myself and my ideas somewhere along the line as most spectators do. But this is a start. A start to understand our world and why and what influenced us to believe the way we do.